And now for a complete change of mood

My blog does not represent the views of Murdoch or any of its affiliates. All posts are NOT to be taken seriously and are written only for entertainment purposes.


My English teachers throughout my schooling found my writing style to be very passionate. They could always hear my voice talking within it, in my deep mellow soothing voice, much like a Vuvuzela. It is with this tone that those teachers were upset that my language wasn't very emotive, reading through some of my past submissions, incorrectly spelt words, wrong words and missed words break up the tone and make it unclear what I'm actually trying to say. And that's just last month's post.


However, they found it nice that they could always compliment my passion before docking marks for my content, case in point, a year 10 submission that my English teacher believed I must of been hungover in the creation of due to the work she believed was at about a year 6 level. But apart from breaking my self esteem on several occasions, that teacher did believe, in the right circumstances that there could be flashes of brilliance from this otherwise AS 5601 compliant mind. So, in the pursuit to find if other people who communicate in the way I do, I recently feed this entire blog post into a writing analyser, based on word selection, tone of voice, and other literary concepts which can be determined by a WHILE loop, I found that there is actually a best seller who writes like me. And when I say, "Writes like me" I'm talking to the enth degree.


Cory Doctorow starts off one of his books with "This page has been intentionally left blank." All his characters go by screen names. All his stories are future technological dystopian. Dealing with social technology issues, such as the development of Crime Prevention via social scanning and profiling (Do your Tweets sound crazy? Does your web history show you've gone on forums with questionable hacking content? Better lock you up just in case.) or in his book "For The Win" discusses concepts around virtual economy, with MMO's like WoW, using a combination of real/virtual currency and gold farmers being arrested, IRL, there's some dodgy future of organised crime, and we're talking far beyond joining a guild then going LEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOYYY JENKINS! on them. Oh and his male characters are desperate.


The author supports P2P sharing development, has been spoofed in XKCD and gives out non final copies of his books as prizes in competitions, which are known to contain spelling errors. Awesome.


However, not cool, author who writes like me is successful, me, authoring blog - not read by close family. 


So in some vein attempt to stay original, I abondon my well cemented writing style for the remainder of the post to acquire a more varied audience, Maestro, some film noir/1930's mystery movie music if you please, as I explain my past couple of not very exciting, un-blog worthy weeks.


"The email arrived on some ungodly hour on a Thursday morning, seven in the morning is a hell of a time to receive news that may affect you for the rest of your life. I woke up with light of day piercing through the overcast and dreary morning. The sunlight rudely piercing my eyelids to interrupt my regular 14 hours of unconsciousness. The mostly drained bottle resting lopsided at the foot of my bed reminded me of the hell I'd decided to inflict on my body after another rough day at work. I decided to fulfill primal urges, reaching over and downing the remaining contents of nectar that I had be using as a stimulant for the last few depressing weeks. The immediate slashing to my throat immediately made me regret my actions.Solo can be a bitch on your throat first thing in the morning...


While my throat recovered the remainder of my mind as the boot sector of my laptop clicked into gear, I thought to myself over the pointlessness of the last couple of days, endless waiting that had got me nowhere, and I was now tending to using the dying time off on my laptop wasting the hours with pointless objectives. Such as getting the audio of my phone, other computer and laptop to play through a single set of speakers, it was achievable, at the cost of using some bootleg bluetooth drivers. 


This making me stray from the compliment, solid drivers that I trusted to function for a more daring perceptive, which may cause the unraveling of some future event when I'd require them working for something serious. Indeed, as with all my equipment, I gave my hardware a run for it's money and a home brewed driver is a fickle mistress, it can be bug-free on one rig, or tare apart the mess, leaving you to pick up the pieces after a tantrum taking some of standard functionality of an OS with it. Granted, my OS has started trying to vent its frustrations of serving a devil of a master. It was booting into temporary profiles a lot these days, and I gave it some extra time to probably establish a wireless connection before beating my password onto the well-worn keys. Occasionally hardware will be nice if you do take the time out to treat it nice and give it time to get ready before revealing itself to the world. 


Those keys have got me through flame wars, LAN parties and lonely nights to unsavory to mention. It would be unfortunate that tonight would be one of those nights due to the set future events which would soon occur. My browser slid up with ease opening tabs for my email, Facebook and a female vision of beauty teasing me with a leek which again was just proof that I can't trust my friends not to troll me. My eyes widened as my future lay before me. An email had arrived from the ABS as promised, containing my future involvement with the group. My body became limp and frail and the words "Regret to inform" "Unsuccessful" and "Fax: (02) 6252 8062" It wasn't just the depression from finding out that a government department still used a modem-to-modem communication method, but also had found me unsuitable for their business. I sighed, it would be some time before the reality would set in that my future after the end of this year is now undefined as a bad pointer.


After informing the various family members, press and my kidnappers to my predicament it then fell on me to seal myself of the world, crack open a can of V and attempt to hide from the world that I had brought so much shame to. It is at these moments when we feel our lowest that life throws us a couple more punches to the chest to see how much pain we can tolerate while we are writhing on the floor in agony. It was then I met her. She couldn't of been older than 18, and in a world of creepy men trying to young innocents like her, I make sure I get there first to know exactly what to avoid. After ratting out my cousin for having an absurd obsession with period drama she found it a necessity to comment in agreement, after finding someone with a mutual disrespect to my cousin, I always think it most important to find what other things we have a mutual hate over, we talked long into the night, commenting on my cousins post, until her infernal rage of seeing me flirt with someone she knew, like watching Lions fighting over the carcass of a person she loved, lead to my cousin defriending me and blocking all contact with me and my apologies.


She hadn't thought this through as a family who hold family events frequently, she could not hide from me forever, and her look of disgust at me in real life was much stronger than her emoticon had led me to believe.


Meanwhile, the girl distracted me from my recent shortcomings. I examined this woman over the next few days delving into her profile and motivations behind her posts like a dog discovers a new bone. Finding her fascinating unique qualities, her drive behind her posts and likes was I entranced due to the fact that she was truly an enjoyable kind of insane, or was I just appreciating the fad due to the fact she's the first woman to arrive on my scene in awhile, I was yet to find out, but after three days and finding myself yet to come up with a reason for removing her from my news feed, I found that she at least had earned her place for some very characterful admissions. Being able to converse about Doctor Who in the fan girl way, rather than the serious scientific way, expected of me is always a big plus.


Although she did post some song lyrics and admission for liking the show "The Hills"


It is that moment when I realise a girl that comments on my status and even has considered reading my blog that it'll never work out. Life isn't like a game of Sims, you can't just keep hitting flirt until "WooHoo" appears on the hot tub. She changed her profile picture like she does her partner, frequently, each looking more drunk than the previous. Whilst it is up to some of us to enjoy the fruits of youth, some of us are confined to the quest of monogamy. A bright eyed young lass like herself has no reason to hang around with a boring geek like myself.


I like my women like my drivers, giving me the confidence to do stupid shit just cause I can.


Also she's gay. So... There's a bit of a downer right there. 


It's funny how life tempts us with carrots only to knock us flat when we seem to be enjoying ourselves too much, but it'll be a Technicolour Big Sleep before I stop reporting any of them to you.... Good night, and may you enjoy the black car of life enough to forget about the bird shit."


So when you gonna start blogging in your normal voice again?


When the swelling goes down


So when you going to stop blogging about randoms you meet and hit on?


That's a stupid question. I write about them because the stories are interesting and true. You'll see changes if one of the randoms sacrifices her self worth or something more major comes up, such as what I'll actually be doing next year. Such as if I become fuhrer there will be posts about tiny miniskirts.


What's your opinion of the upcoming election?


One of them promised me faster internet, I'm voting for them. What? You think something is going to get done about the more major issues? This is a blog and blogs are no place to talk about politics or my viewpoints!

Halfway between the future and the past.

My blog does not represent the views of Murdoch or any of its affiliates. All posts are NOT to be taken seriously and are written only for entertainment purposes.


As I was clicking through all the other bloggers on Murdoch, I saw that they had gone out of their way to refresh their blog and make it look slightly more interesting than one of the default themes, as you can see, I joined them to try and bring a shine and clear out the cobwebs of this blog, which is mature in terms of most blogs that only last two posts and then the poster realises that they actually don't have anything interesting to say, and no one to read it they stop. I ignore that fact and post on, with a brand new default theme with the same tired old concept and mostly rehashed jokes. I hope the new blog and refreshed design appeals more to the younger generation with their loud music and their hula hoops and their Sony PlayStations and their Marvel Comics and their YouTube dot com and their Quentin Tarantino and their hopsotch and their lollipops and their YuGiOh abridged quotes and thier artificial insemination and their weird political overthrows.


So the new theme is slightly less readable white and blue on white and blue, after clicking through their technology themes which were all stereotypical 1 and 0 in bright green or appearing on a neural overlay device. SERIOUSLY we have other numbering systems, and most of us cannot understand machine code. Well, Okay, I can insult you and ask how to go to the bathroom


Lachlan, that's two jokes you're passing off as your own that you've stolen


I know. Aren't blogs awesome like that?


So, for an uneventful life a surprising amount has happened since the last post. Unfortunately, not a lot to me. But as the financial new year has just passed, I thought I'd take this opportunity to go over my regular new year resolutions and see how far I've come


1. Get a job

At the beginning of this year, I had been unemployed 12 months much to my mothers displeasure, I have since acquired a job and learnt how to fix computer problems quickly, duck tape solutions to make things that shouldn't seem possible work, and interpret when a teacher says "It's not working" to mean "My projector is not corrently orientated to my digital whiteboard and is being displayed on a 180 degree angle." So now I have money, and have been better at sending it to a high interest account instead of investing it on ThinkGeek. I am yet to believe my returns have been worth it.

I can actually see the difference I am making, and not just by accidentally turning off the Proxy server (no one could go on the internet.), the Uniflow/Clickview server (No one could print to photocopiers or stream videos.) and the RIS server (No computer could be reghosted.) all at once last week. Yeah, my bad. I think. I remember unplugging something below it, but I DON'T REMEMBER turned off any off the switches. And that pisses me off. I wish I could remember it and not just feel guilty, but someone had to take the fall, so I did. I'm not a total bitch to any boss, but if no one is owning up to something that I had a chance of doing, I don't mind. But I am making a GOOD difference by the fact that I am running out of work to do, very few people submit jobs to the job list, but it's currently empty, call get answered, and attended immediately, because I have nothing else to do, in fact, the thing I have to do more and more often is to walk around the school randomly to look like I am doing something important instead of insulting/disturbing friends and family on Facebook. This is actually the best way to do things. Why? Because if I am walking around, teachers see my and my "IT SUPPORT" badge and think "Ah, I was having a problem the other day" and that's how I get 90% of my jobs to do. I mean, there are times when I can see my boss is not so pleased with how I've solved a problem, but I solve it all the same and don't really cause any problems in the process.

2.  Pass all my third year units

Well, so far, 50% ain't bad. As I got three credits on what I have been told are the three hardest units of my degree. As apparently, the previous three were. But that means. 1 semester and I could be in the real world and that's scary because one thing that I have been taking for granted with my job is the hours, the other week I slept in, I just called up and said I'd come in tomorrow and it was fine. And plus, working at a school means my hours are 8 till 3. EIGHT TILL THREE. Home by 3:30, back in bed by 4. For two days a week. Bliss. Next year, might not be so plesent, stuck with nine till five for FIVE FREAKIN' DAYS. One of the things I like about my two days and uni is having weird time off, I've had semesters where my weekend is Tuesday and Wednesday. That's cool cause no one else is available so bars, restaurants and stuff like that, ain't busy. You can hear people talk from across the room and I like that. No one else is interrupting the tranquil nature of Kings Park at 11pm on a Wednesday night. Of course, this meeting fewer people in public means a less chance of meeting a candidate for mating/co-op partner for Portal 2.

However, there is a slight glimmer of hope. You see, if I get a good technician job, or admin job, there is the opportunity for night shift work or work at odd times due to being on call. I have heard of system admins being called up at 2am on a Sunday, being told a server is down, remoting in, finding a problem, going in and solving the problem by 9am when business starts on Monday, getting paid double and then getting to go back to bed. AWESOME.

3. Dump a bag on poo on someones door step and light it and run away

You can probably tell this has been hanging on my new year resolutions for quite some time. But I never at anytime have dog poo AND a lighter handy WHILE being near someone's house who I don't like. I have experienced the smell of burning dog poo in my own studies to grasp the hate displayed by the act. And I am actually yet to hate someone that much, I dislike people. People dislike me. I hate some of them enough to enjoy killing them in some sort of vitual enviroment (Never admit to a student any of your after school habits, I am now "Halo" to a small collection of year 9's (And Son-Of-Contos to others.). But I don't hate them enough to inconvenience them. Except for maybe blocking their internet and restricting their user account space to 5 MB. Students should be really less willing to tell me their names.)

4. Not get shot.

Another very good year for this one so far, there was an incident which could of slid this the other way but so far, so good.

5. Figure out when to use a blackslash and when to use a foward slash.

Don't think anybody knows, and Linux and Windows are good at correcting these.

6. Learn more Linux

Pretty good, I can sort of get enough commands to get a server up and running and change file permissions. However, MAN is still my friend.

7. Keep the house\garden in a clean state

There is always one resolution that you set that you know you can't do but you add it to the list to make it longer and make you seem like a better person. This is not that one but I have no intention to tidy my bedroom.

8. Make out with someone with their permission who is not in an intoxicated state, or ingested food or medicine which would impair their judgment. Double points if they initiate it.

There is always one resolution that you set that you know you can't do but you add it to the list to make it longer and make you seem like a better person. This is that one.

9. Pass my CCNA

I will book it again, but all you need to know is it's a standard test that most network guys do and get a card out of it, I failed it the first time, but there will be always time to try again. But, I mean, currently my wallet can't fit anymore in, so I'm going to have to get a new wallet if I want to pass it. Oh and study. But seeing that I got a credit in network security, and a 70% in my Prac I have the confidence that I do actually know my stuff about networking and it is the career for me.

10. Post more on my blog with content that is not just humourous but also is more truthful about myself as a person but has some depth.

Think I may have crossed it with this one. People always complain about the length of my posts, I make up for that with the fact that I post rarely. This year however I've very proud with how many posts I've done and how much work I have put into it, and at some points, I must admit, I have bared my soul a bit, maybe a bit too much, in wanting to really want this blog to reflect who I am as a person and be "Lachlan in the raw" there have been unfortunately, like my "Lachlan in the raw" photographs, some sights of things people would rather not see. It has been mentioned to me that at some points there has been very little humour in posts, when uni life has been getting me a bit down, it happens. There are times on a roller coaster when it goes up, times it goes down, and times when photographs are taken and you are reminded of your roller coaster visit by some free zero-g boob pictures. 

(I know there are ladies present.)

But softcore aside, there have been times when I can't find words that are funny. When I've got a poor mark on an assignment, when I don't know how to do an assignment or when I wanna go out, but no one wants to come and I don't know where to go. I must admit there isn't a lot in my life, so yes, number 8 is a bigger issue for me than some other people.

 

You don't get a girl by stalking her. By posting about her in your blog. Or cutting her name into tables in lecturer theaters.

.

..

...

.... Mine will. And plus, I never cut them, I wrote them on. You could get that off with some cloudy ammonia. 

Oh and don't try to pick up females just cause they comment on your blog

Granted, that was a bit awkward, but I didn't know my sister was going to comment anonymously. 

People think it's sad that I love my job because of it's hours, or can be so satisfied with going to Melbourne for a Krispy Kreme "Chocolate Mint" Doughnut and a chocolate milkshake. But if those little tiny things didn't make me happy I wouldn't have much to live for, I am happy for people to blame this on residual teen angst but I love to be happy. 

Speaking of teen angst, (I'm going to get all high and mighty cause I'm not a teen anymore.) I was such a simple teen to live with, working at a high school I've seen students randomly walk out of classes they don't wish to participate in, leave rubbish everyone, distroy school property (One out of every five of the jobs I have to do in a day is go clean something or change something back that a student changed (ALT + LEFT SHIFT + PRINT SCREEN is the worst. That and student stealing Mice or RAM and then having no idea what to do with it so breaking it and/or leaving it somewhere else.).)  

Do like normal people and wait till uni to do this stuff.

(I'm sure I did some pretty bad things, like at my 15th birthday, my mum going crazy because I walked away from the table to hide in my room and watch movies, and not "Thank them for coming." (I've done so ever since cause I now realise cause I'm not sure that people want to celebrate my birthday because I'm getting old and it only makes people feel old realising I could now go and apply for a loan and the bank manager to take me seriously.). I don't know why but I regret not obeying my parents, apparently, I should of got all angry and moved out and gone on the dole.)

So I get happy over little things. If I can get that job with the interesting hours and awesome IT challenges, get the disturbing girl who knows I am the one who left the chocolate, her favourite Rose wine, a USB drive with that chick flick she wanted to see and a box of tampons on her doorstep. See, I'm so out of it that I don't know the protocol here, granted by the time I meet that girl she will have gone through a few and hopefully be able to tolerate this, but I'm not sure where the guy fits, is he suppose to be there and cheer her up? Pretend it doesn't exist? Leave her alone? 

Hopefully that awkwardness will all be dealt with in a future post, but on the current trend not likely, so until then, you are going to tolerate me going through some bad times and me describing the awesomeness of that Maltesers Sundae at Macca's during the good times. Just go with it, Okay? There will be laughs somewhere.

So far, not a bad year, and I think I am pretty much doing my best, which makes me proud... Hmmm.. 4 1/2 out of 11, hey if I've passed this last one that means I get a pass!

So last but no least: Have a graffiti of the week for every post on my blog this year.

... Shit.

Until I get banned from the network, good bye.