Lachlan is no longer posting in this blog, please subscribe to "Road to Awesomenessness" (Please note there are intentionally TWO "ness" suffixes, why? Because three is ridiculous.) to read about full time work, living in state with no friends or family, more stalkees and more unusable advice.
It turns out, only the valedictorian and the person receiving the honourary doctorate get speeches. Sigh, but, I don't really want to waste a good speech, so I'll post it here.
Distinguished guests, parents, friends, undistinguished guests, Perth convention centre staff, ninja's who have managed to sneak in and the ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2011. People have never asked me for advice, but if they did, 'wear pants' would be it. The benefits of wearing pants have had substantial scientific proof in terms of retaining warmth, keeping off sun and hiding the fact that you're going commando. The rest of the advice I'm about to give is based purely on personal experience, the experience of people I know and pure conjecture.
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR SEXUAL APPEAL. A non-safe search on the part of your body you find least attractive will reassure yourself that someone not only finds you attractive, but would love to spend their Saturday night looking at pictures of you, then crying in shame.
NEVER BE ASHAMED OF PICTURES. Too many times I've seen people shy away from a camera, looking back you will not remember if you were there, and more ashamedly, those others that took photos will never remember you were there, eventually, you will be forgotten.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH A PERSON ANNOYS YOU END ON GOOD TERMS. You will not want to find out that someone who had so much more potential than you passed away, and the last thing you said to them was a lame "Mac vs PC" debate. In the end, nobody wins. As long as you don't get them into the whole "Mac vs PC vs Linux" debate, people are generally okay.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO GET GIVEN ATTENTION, MILK IT. If that means coming of a bit of a douche. Forget it, you will regret wasting your only opportunity fist bump the chancellor for the rest of your life.
YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG. No matter what you do you will miss it, if you can occasionally muster up the courage to do something stupid with a bit of vitality, people will forget you are so old and envy you for appearing to still have energy. You are never too old for this shit. However,
ACT MATURE, PEOPLE MIGHT BELIEVE YOU. If you can occasionally muster up the courage to act confidentially, talk with a voice of experience and wisdom, people will forget you are so young, and envy the knowledge you have obtained and that the you will continue to excel far past them.
IF YOUR ORGANISING AN EVENT, WHICH INVOLVES CO-ORDINATING A LOT OF PEOPLE, SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG. You can only hope that it will result in an a man with a Bond villain accent saying "You're not on my list" And a graduate receiving honours and completing masterclass getting three separate applause's. Although she deserve it, master class is completing pretty much an entire degree in a year.
DO ONE THING EACH DAY WHICH SCARES YOUR FAMILY. They are full of good advice, a listening ear and a pillar of strength, but are jealous that they wouldn't dance across the stage to receive their degrees, so discourage will you doing so.
SHOW OFF YOUR TESTICLES.
Many females I've met, I openly state that they have bigger "balls" than me. They have the courage to put up with, and pull through so much more than I have had too, that I must admit in terms of a pride of lions, they are the ones with the mane and 50 lays a day. You might think that when things become every day for you, that they are easier, that doesn't mean they are no less impressive. Occasionally use this a motivator. "I've moved across the other side of the country to no friends or family, the other side of the world would be a cakewalk." I guess some people want to appear humble, but if you know you can one up everybody in room by saying you started a foundation for terminally ill children, women suffering breast cancer, and a support line for people with depression, after not completing high school. You're allowed to silence a room every few months and allow people to take a long, hard look At their contributions to society.
DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON. It's unhygienic but saves on washing up.
While we're on cheap tips while living alone, FABRIC DEODORISER SHOULD ONLY BE USED AS A DESPERATE ALTERNATIVE TO WASHING CLOTHES. You have to be willing to smell like lavender, and it doesn't make ironing your clothes any easier, in fact, most deodorisers are flammable.
STOP USING LADY SCENTED BODY WASHES AND SWITCH TO OLD SPICE. Although it will not increase your chances for a partner, in will make you stop smelling like Lynx. And that's fan-freaking-tastic.
DO NOT TRY TO ESCAPE FLOODING IN BRISBANE BY TAKING A HOLIDAY TO JAPAN. What can I say, mother nature is a bitch.
"Everyboooo-dies freeeeeee"
BE NICE TO MACHINES. It won't be long till they take over and all those times you said "F*****g slow computer!" will be remembered. And we are going out of our way to make electronics water proof, dust proof and shock proof, how will we kill them now?!
LEARN HOW TO BE A GOOD PASSENGER. You may not always be the one driving, tolerate others, you may know how to indicate, but few of you know how to ride a train, you do NOT just fill the entry exit space, that's being a DOUCHE. Spread to the isle, I should not miss a freakin train cause you don't know this. And on the same note, if someone is trying to get off, MOVE. You are not the only one on the train.
KEEP PEOPLE ON THEIR TOES. When trying they'll become intimidated and they will become your bitch.
KEEP ON GOOD TERMS WITH YOUR FAMILY when things get bad they'll listen.
KEEP ON GOOD TERMS WITH YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS when things get bad they'll listen and give advice that doesn't make you feel too bad.
Maybe you'll get married, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have kids, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll be found dead in your home at 35 getting eaten by your cats.
DON'T CONGRATULATE YOURSELF TOO MUCH, OR BERATE YOURSELF TOO MUCH EITHER. There's always someone you're better than, but constantly push yourself to make sure of that. There's always someone who will be better than you regardless of how much you put in. Use this person as an inspiration, to push yourself to your absolute limits.
BE WILLING TO ADMIT THERE ARE GAPS IN YOUR KNOWLEDGE. EXCEPT IF YOU ARE IN A JOB INTERVIEW. In which case you know a way to solve the Israel/Palestine crisis, a way to slow down the world population and found a way not to get toast crumbs in the butter container.
Remember that WORRYING IS USELESS. Worrying is about as effective as completing your process map by working on a blog post.
BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Toothpaste contains sodium fluoride, which a few people are convinced is going to kill them. These people are not aware that nearly everything can kill them, the simple act of taking a step inside into a world of viruses and pollen is actually good for you, or at least, your future generations who build up immunities if you have the courage.
And finally success is really what you make of it. For me, the definition of success is doing something you love and doing someone who loves you. If you can get paid for the prior, you should feel like that's purely a bonus, and probably even over paid. If you're getting paid for the second, well, I'd consider a career change. That movie where the girl falls for the escort, yeah, that's just silly.
But trust me with the pants.
KEEP ON GOOD TERMS WITH YOUR FAMILY when things get bad they'll listen.
KEEP ON GOOD TERMS WITH YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS when things get bad they'll listen and give advice that doesn't make you feel too bad.
Maybe you'll get married, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have kids, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll be found dead in your home at 35 getting eaten by your cats.
DON'T CONGRATULATE YOURSELF TOO MUCH, OR BERATE YOURSELF TOO MUCH EITHER. There's always someone you're better than, but constantly push yourself to make sure of that. There's always someone who will be better than you regardless of how much you put in. Use this person as an inspiration, to push yourself to your absolute limits.
BE WILLING TO ADMIT THERE ARE GAPS IN YOUR KNOWLEDGE. EXCEPT IF YOU ARE IN A JOB INTERVIEW. In which case you know a way to solve the Israel/Palestine crisis, a way to slow down the world population and found a way not to get toast crumbs in the butter container.
Remember that WORRYING IS USELESS. Worrying is about as effective as completing your process map by working on a blog post.
BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Toothpaste contains sodium fluoride, which a few people are convinced is going to kill them. These people are not aware that nearly everything can kill them, the simple act of taking a step inside into a world of viruses and pollen is actually good for you, or at least, your future generations who build up immunities if you have the courage.
And finally success is really what you make of it. For me, the definition of success is doing something you love and doing someone who loves you. If you can get paid for the prior, you should feel like that's purely a bonus, and probably even over paid. If you're getting paid for the second, well, I'd consider a career change. That movie where the girl falls for the escort, yeah, that's just silly.
But trust me with the pants.
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